Sex, Marriage & Fairytales

Inspired by Real Marriage, Mark & Grace Driscoll.


(Men) Man Up

Die algemene tendens is dat mense op ‘n ouer ouderdom trou. Nog ‘n algemene tendens is dat daar meer dames is, volwasse vir die huwelik, maar hul kry nie die mans (dié nodig vir die instansie) nie. Waar is die knape? Die vraag mag dalk meer van toepassing wees in ons Noord-Amerikaanse vriende, maar ek dink tog ons kultuur neig in daardie rigting.

Kevin DeYoung, skrywer van Just Do Something (sit dit op jou 10-boeke-om-te-lees lys), het onlangs hierdie onderwerp aangespreek op sy blog DeYoung, Restless, and Reformed. Ek dink dit is van waarde om die te lees as jy nie in ‘n verhouding is nie, in ‘n verhouding is, verloof is of getroud is – in kort: mense sal hierby baat.

As I speak at different venues across the country, one of the recurring questions I get comes from women, young women in particular. Their question usually goes something like this: “What is up with men?”

These aren’t angry women. Their question is more plaintive than petulant. I’m not quite sure why they ask me. Maybe because they’ve read Just Do Something and figure I’ll be a sympathetic ear. Or maybe they think I can help. They often follow up their initial question by exhorting me, “Please speak to the men in our generation and tell them to be men.”

They’re talking about marriage. I have met scores of godly young women nearby and far away who wonder “Where have all the marriageable men gone?” More and more commentators–Christian or otherwise–are noticing a trend in young men; namely, that they don’t seem to be growing up. Recently, William Bennett’s CNN article “Why Men Are in Trouble” has garnered widespread attention. The point of the post is summarized in the final line: “It’s time for men to man up.” Sounds almost biblical (1 Corinthians 16:13).

Virtually every single single person I know wants to be married. And yet, it is taking couples longer and longer to get around to marriage. Education patterns have something to do with it. A bad economy doesn’t help either. But there is something even more befuddling going on. Go to almost any church and you’ll meet mature, intelligent, attractive Christian women who want to get married and virtually no men to pursue them. These women are often in graduate programs and may have started a career already. But they aren’t feminists. They are eager to embrace the roles of wife and mother. Most of the women I’ve met don’t object to the being a helpmate. There just doesn’t seem to be a lot of mates to go around.

What’s going on here? Why are there so many unmarried, college graduated, serious-about-Christ, committed-to-the-church, put-together young women who haven’t found a groom, and don’t see any possibilities on the horizon?

Maybe women have impossible standards. That is a distinct possibility in some circumstances. I’m sure there are guys reading this thinking to themselves, “I’ve pursued these young women, Kevin! And they pushed me over the edge of the horizon.” Some women may be expecting too much from Mr. Right. But in my experience this is not the main problem. Impossible standards? Not usually. Some standards? Absolutely.

On the other end of the spectrum, some women may be so over-eager to be married they make guys nervous about showing any signs of interest. There is a fine line between anticipation and desperation. Men don’t want to spot the girl they like inside David’s Bridal after their first date. The guy will panic–and be a little creeped out.

This path of prolonged singleness is a two way street. But I think the problem largely resides with men. Or at least as a guy I can identify the problems of men more quickly. I see two issues.

First, the Christian men that are “good guys” could use a little–what’s the word I’m looking for–ambition. Every pastor has railed on video games at some point. But the problem is not really video games, it’s what gaming can (but doesn’t always) represent. It’s the picture of a 20something or 30something guy who doesn’t seem to want anything out of life. He may or may not have a job. He may or may not live with his parents. Those things are sometimes out of our control. There’s a difference between a down-on-his-luck fella charging hard to make something out of himself and a guy who seems content to watch movies, make enough to eat frozen pizzas in a one room apartment, play Madden, watch football 12 hours on Saturday, show up at church for an hour on Sunday and then go home to watch more football.

I don’t think young women are expecting Mr. Right to be a corporate executive with two houses, three cars, and a personality like Dale Carnegie. They just want a guy with some substance. A guy with plans. A guy with some intellectual depth. A guy who can winsomely take initiative and lead a conversation. A guy with consistency. A guy who no longer works at his play and plays with his faith. A guy with a little desire to succeed in life. A guy they can imagine providing for a family, praying with the kids at bedtime, mowing the lawn on Saturday, and being eager to take everyone to church on Sunday. Where are the dudes that will grow into men?

The second issue is that we may simply not have enough men in the church. Maybe the biggest problem isn’t with nice Christian guys who lack ambition, maturity, and commitment. Maybe we have lots of these men in the church, but they’re all married and there aren’t enough of their brethren to go around. I don’t know which is the bigger problem, the lack of good men or the lack of men in general. It’s probably a combination of both. The church needs to train up the guys it has. And by “training” I don’t mean “clean ‘em up, plug ‘em in the singles ministry and start matching them up with a spouse.” I don’t believe most unmarried Christians are looking for a church community full of Yentas. But a church full of godly, involved, respectable, respected, grown up men? That’s a project worth undertaking.

So, what can be done about the growing tribe of unmarried women? Four things come to mind.

Everyone, pray. Pray for a joyful accepting of God’s providential care, believing that godliness with contentment is great gain.  If you are single, pray more for the sort of spouse you should be than for the sort of spouse you want. Pray also for the married couples and families in your church. If you are married, pray for the single people in your church, for those never married and those divorced or widowed. All people everywhere, pray for ways to start serving the Lord now, no matter what stage of life you are in or wish you were in.

Women, don’t settle and don’t ever compromise on requiring solid Christian commitment in a husband, but make sure your list of non-negotiables doesn’t effectively exclude everyone outside of Mr. Darcy.

Churches, don’t make church one giant man cave or machismo, but think about whether your church has been unnecessarily emasculated. Do you challenge and exhort? Do you sing songs to Jesus that men can sing with a straight face? Does “fellowship” at your church always focus on activities men don’t typically excel at, like sitting around and talking about how you feel? Does your church specifically target the discipling of men–particularly young men in high school and college? Grab them young and get them growing up in their teens instead of their twenties.

Men, you don’t have to be rich and you don’t have to climb corporate ladders. You don’t have to fix cars and grow a beard. But it’s time to take a little initiative–in the church, with your career, and with women. Stop circling around and start going somewhere. It’s probably a good idea to be more like your grandpa and less like Captain Jack Sparrow. Even less like Peter Pan. Show some godly ambition. Take some risks. Stop looking for play dates and–unless God is calling you to greater service through singleness–start looking for a wife.

– Dude Where’s you Bride? Kevin DeYoung

Maak ook ‘n punt daarvan om na “Singleness” ‘n preek deur Johan Verster te luister.

Teologie van die Liggaam #4: Jou Kleredrag Maak Saak

Die issue oor kleredrag is tot ‘n verbasende mate teenwoordig in die Bybel. Kleredrag is na die sondeval, en die mens wat skaam gekry het oor naaktheid, deur God verskaf (Gen 3:21). God het dit vir ons gegee vir n rede –  om ons naaktheid en skaamte te dek (hanteer).

Siende dat God ons gemaak het as man of vrou moet ons dit aanvaar en uitleef in ons kleredrag.

In die stuk noem Gregg Allison 5 beginsels vir klere (van toepassing op mans en dames):

  1. Klere weerspieël iets van die persoon wat dit dra. Kies jou klere met dit in gedagte
  2. Vermy klere wat aandag trek na jou status of welvaart.
  3. Moenie sensueel aan trek nie, moet nie aandag trek na jou seksualiteit soda dit ander ongemaklik laat voel nie. (moenie mans in die versoeking bring nie dames!!)
  4. Trek sinvol aan dat mense nie op grond van jou klere jou assosieer met kwaad of rebellie nie.
  5. Wees slim met die manier wat jy jou hard-verdiende geld spandeer op klere, neem in ag jou begroting en wat relevant is tot jou omgeving.

Gregg Allison bespreek hierdie in Why What You Wear Matters.

Teologie van die Liggaam #2: Geslag en Seksualiteit

As deel van die reeks oor die Teologie van die Liggaam, deur Gregg Allison, word Geslag en Seksualiteit aangespreek as n belangrike deel van die “ek”.

Gregg Allison stel dit baie goed as hy sê dat God nie n generiese mens geskep het en dan as ‘n nagedagte opplak of dit ‘n man of n vrou is. God skep ons as individuë, as man of vrou.

“26 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.”

Genesis 1:26-27 (NIV)

Dit belangrikheid van die onderskeid lê daarin dat as man of vrou is ons uitkyk (ons persepsie) van onsself, van God en van ander mense uit ons verskillende oogpunte. ‘n Vrou sien die wêreld uit ‘n vrou se oogpunt en al wil sy kan sy dit nie uit n man se oogpunt sien nie. God het ons so geskep – ons moet dit geniet in opbouende en egte verhoudings met die ander geslag.

Seksualiteit en die Huwelik

Die aspek van seksualiteit in die lig van die verhoudings wat ons in betrokke is word ook duidelik in die Bybel aangespreek. God vra van ons om moreel op te tree in ons seksualiteit (1 Kor 6:12) en dan om dit uit te leef in die huwelik op n God vresende (nie vrees soos in bang nie; vrees soos in respek, eer, verwondering, onderwerpend) wyse (1 Tess 4:3-8).

Seksualiteit en Alleenlopers

Vir die enkellopendes – bad luck. Nee grap sommer net, siende dat ek onder daardie kam geskeer word. Paulus maak duidelik in sy briewe dat dit n gawe van God is om nie te trou nie. Hy gaan selfs so vêr om te sê dat hy “..wens..” dat almal soos hy nie trou nie. (1 Kor 7:7-9) Dink in hoe n mate kan enkellopendes God dien – ss daar nie afhanklikes is kan ‘n persoon onverdeelde aandag gee aan die verkondiging van die goeie nuus van dit wat relevant is tot almal. (1 Kor 7:32-33)

Die stuk, Why Gender & Sexuality Matter, verskyn op The Resurgence se website as deel van ‘n reeks deur Gregg Allison.